Monday, February 24, 2014

How to Know if Your Girlfriend Wants to Have Sex With You

    Sex in real life rarely unfolds like it does in movies. There is far more uncertainty, miscommunication, and awkwardness, to say nothing of the fact that orchestral music never seems to swell at just the right moment. To find out whether or not your girlfriend wants to have sex with you, use the following techniques.


    1. Assess your relationship. 

    Ask yourself how far you and your girlfriend have come along in terms of intimacy and maturity. In particular, pay attention to whether or not the two of you are engaged in an uneven power dynamic (or even an outright power struggle); if the relationship is unbalanced with one partner always attempting to please the other, this will make both of you unable to approach sex with an honest, healthy attitude.

    2. Become more intimate in non-sexual ways.

    Not only is this something committed couples should do before deepening their relationships, but it’s also a great way to see how the relationship responds to increased intimacy.

    3. Pay attention to her body language.

    Does she seem withdrawn, hesitant, or uncomfortable when you are intimate? In particular, know how to read her body language in the context of your relationship. These little signs are a great way to find out if she isn’t ready to have sex. Note, however, that reading her body language isn’t enough to tell you if she is ready to have sex: just because she’s physically comfortable around you doesn’t mean she wants to hop in your bed.

    4. Listen to her tone of voice.

    Does it sound pinched, tense, or worried when you are physically close? Is she giddy with excitement or filled with panic? Again, this is mainly useful for finding out if she isn’t ready for sex.

    5. Talk about sex. 

    You don’t necessarily need to broach the subject of sex between the two of you just yet. Instead, talk more generally about it; how you feel about it, whether or not you’ve done it before, what you both find sexually appealing, or whatever else you both feel comfortable with. Yes, this may feel incredibly awkward, but if the two of you aren’t ready to talk about sex yet, you probably aren’t ready to have it.

    a. Try to keep the tone of the conversation as neutral and safe as possible. Be very mindful of your word choice and tone; if you put out vibes that you’re eager to have sex, you might make your girlfriend feel pressured into making a decision before she’s ready.

    b. Talking about sex is not the same thing as trying to dredge up your partner’s sexual history. If that’s something you both feel comfortable discussing, by all means do it. Otherwise, be respectful of the fact that, unless there are health/safety issues involved, your partner’s former sex life is none of your business.

    6. Ask. 

    Although this might seem like a bold move, there is a safe, considerate, mature way of approaching this. First of all, don’t word it as a proposal. Asking “Wanna have sex?” or the equivalent sounds more like a suggestion than a question. This will put your girlfriend on the spot, making it very difficult for her to give you an honest “no” without embarrassing one or both of you. Stay away from loaded language as well. Asking “Would you ever want to have sex with me?” will put her into the awkward position of having to address her feelings about sex and her feelings about sex with you at the same time; if she says no, then she will have to untangle these two things at once while simultaneously trying not to make you feel personally offended. Use a more neutral opening such as “What are your feelings on…” to shift the focus of the discussion to a third party – i.e. her feelings – which will make her feel a bit less like she’s under the spotlight. Finish the question with something like “taking our relationship to a sexual level” or “our current level of intimacy” to make the topic open to wider interpretation. Of course, there will be no mistaking what you are asking, but if she isn’t comfortable discussing it, you will have given her the opportunity to answer you vaguely – which is an answer in itself.

    7. Wait until you receive enthusiastic consent. 

    Sex is a shared desire, not something one partner "allows" the other to do. If all you’ve gotten so far is a lukewarm reaction, do your girlfriend, your relationship, and yourself a favor and wait. Besides, which is sexier: a resigned “Okay” or a wholehearted “Take me now!!”?


    Tips

    1. Find out whether or not you are ready to have sex. Even if your girlfriend is interested, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are equipped to handle the next level of the relationship.

    2. Think about whether or not it’s the right time to have sex. Depending on how old your relationship is, how close you and your girlfriend have become, which sexual activities you have (or haven’t) already tried, whether or not there are outside factors placing you or your girlfriend under unnecessary stresses right now, it might not be a good time to have sex – even if you’re both interested.

    3. Look for hints that she wants to talk about sex. This means she's probably thinking what you're thinking. If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, she will probably try to avoid bringing it up.

    4. Be safe. If your girlfriend does in fact want to have sex, you should follow all the tips of this other manual: Have-Safer-Sex. Safer sex is better.

    Warnings

    1. If she says no, it means no. If she is drunk, it means no. Even she doesn’t say anything at all, it may mean no; the absence of refusal isn’t the same thing as consent. Make sure you have received your girlfriend’s unambiguous consent before initiating sex; not doing so is considered rape or attempted rape and can be used against you in court. More importantly, it can be deeply emotionally scarring to your so-called partner.

    2. Protect yourself and your sex partner from STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). The only way to do this is to use a condom.

    3. Protect yourself and your partner from unwanted pregnancy. Use condoms, birth control pills, or another proven means of contraception. Pulling out is not an effective or acceptable alternative. Contraception is a lot cheaper than child support!

    4. Ask yourselves what if the birth control fails. It’s best to know how both of you would handle this situation beforehand; the only thing worse than a surprise pregnancy is a surprise disagreement over what to do next.

    5. If she gets pregnant with your child and decides to keep it, remember that you will be legally bound to the child.

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